Love Means Never Having to Say Sorry
Seven careless ways we sabotage our relationships
Co-written by David Baumrind
I thought “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Perhaps I took that too literally.
I’ve always sucked at apologies. In my defense, a severely dysfunctional childhood left me predisposed to making bad apologies — if I made any at all. The coping mechanisms I learned early on led me to one conclusion — never admit you’re wrong or take any responsibility for your part in fuckups.
Between my fragile self-esteem, the need for external validation from my partner, and a morbid fear of imperfections, a heartfelt apology was never my thing. Side-stepping, evading, and shifting blame onto my partner came much more naturally to me. I was a pain in the ass to argue with and getting a straight-forward apology was out of the question.
Instead, I would likely offer these convoluted variations of an apology:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” I really am — if you didn’t feel that way, we wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. If only you saw it my way. This clever evasion allows us to utter the words “I’m sorry” without actually apologizing for anything. Instead of owning our behavior, we shift responsibility to the…
